A short guide to Etiquette in common situations

Put your napkin on your lap while eating.

Take small portions.

Eat with too much or too little enthusiasm.

Use hunting knives, machetes, or guns in the presence of gentry.

Hold the elevator door open, in particular for the elderly or disabled.

Tell fellow passengers of the Goodness of Our Lord once the doors have closed.

Make eye Contact With Other passengers while muttering about werewolves.

Smell, couch, or gather the hair of those in the elevator with you. If this is not possible. ensure you do so clandestinely.

Attempt conversation with all guests. even bald men and women wearing disreputable shoes.

Completely obscure from view any unsightly birthmarks or genitalia.

Make racist remarks unless you qualify them With the Statement "I am not a racist" (exception: badmouthing the Swiss).

Show fisticuffs unless absolutely necessary.

Share With your coworkers any new jokes you saw on the Internet. particularly those pertaining to Barack Obama being Muslim or women driving cars poorly.

Offer to share from your flask Of Adderall-infused whisky.

Dump fifty gallons Of blood on your boss's desk (you will quickly gain a reputation as "the weird one," which looks very bad to juries).

Leave fingerprints if you do end up having to dump any blood (this also looks bad to juries).

Immediately dismount any horse, bicycle, or motorcycle you are riding.

Clearly state yourself to be a friend.

Offer up a sacrifice. either blood (preferred) or money.

Act startled or scared.

Make eye contact.

Think malicious thoughts, as your mind is perfectly transparent to all people Of The Shadow.

Attempt to escape.